09/9/2021

 

Another day dawns. Looks ok. Dry - cooler.

 

I feel better than some days. Yesterday was a low one.

 

I hope this workshop will be some use - it clashes with the cleaner coming and stops me going to aikido.Which I did not want to do except to help clean anyway. I'm curious to meet Rose but another time maybe.

I should try to figure a way to let Esme clean in here - maybe 4:30 or later - I could ask her to do it last then reset when I get in. Probly best option.

I can clean myself but I do not do it so well.

My ankle has been sore - not had that for a while. I must have done something to it yesterday. The apples perhaps. should buy a bandage or support - more expense...

Fun game with Han. She might win - which is good. Gotta let them win sometimes - without letting them win. Maybe Loi can win too - if he can stop farming too much.

I will try to figure out how to play Britannia. It's 3-5 hours long. 2 x 3 hour sessions would do I guess - 3 players.

 

Need more 2 player games to play with Han. She has the time and motivation.

Nice girl - no more than basically attractive though...endomorphs never are my thing. Like blondes...just don't grab me.

THINGS I HATE ABOUT HERE...

 This could be long...

1. I hate how people look - few are pleasant looking and almost no women are attractive. Too many freaks. 
2. I hate how they sound. It's not charming. It's grating.
3. Everything is too expensive.
4. It's cold and will get worse.
5. The political shitshow is worse when it is less remote. 
6. People are disinformed - this is worse than the uninformed VN situation. If you don't know you can learn - but the disinformed know for sure stuff that just ain't so.
7. I am lonely and have no friends - but do not want to be friends with the people I see around.
   

A NEW MONTH...

 Well. September.

Waiting for the doctor to call.

I have my list.

Main thing is diabetes tests. 

Moles too. They may be a way in. 

Mood has been very low. I need CBT and to join a group for therapy maybe. I cannot pay though. There is a mindfulness course - but £200 for 8 sessions is impossible.

Trying to get help from various people with no use at all. Lilli wants to offer practical help. Which is not any use. Tien never engages - she is self absorbed. I accept that.

Sharmin is no use either - very fragile herself.

I don't think I can do more right now. 

Having a job to do that makes me go out and move around is the best I can manage. Some kind of social life would also help.

I love to play games and enjoy the banter. It's the best thing I can do.

Step by step. There is no avoiding the grieving process. It is what it is as they say.

I need someone to say - it's ok - this is normal. Nothing is your fault. It will pass.

I guess I have to tell myself that as much as possible. Nobody else gets it.

GRUMBLING ALONG....

 Thursday - a day with a lot of moving parts.

I have to leave for TESCOS at 4.45pm. It's too early but I don't want to be late.

I have to do something about the uniform - it's too small. 

I need more gloves - 3 pairs more?

I'd prefer the casual trousers - size 36R? So try to swap the 'smart ones' for that.

Esme [sp?] is coming - I want her to finish in here by 430pm so I can get changed and square everything up.

I have a game arranged with Loi at 1pm. I need that.

I have to eat - my lunch is ready. I can make a sandwich at 4pm. Esme will be done in the kitchen by then.

It all seems a bit much - but in truth it's just m state of mind. Difficult to do simple things...

From my iPad.

Trying to figure out how to log in. The idea is to be able to post from my iPad and from my iMac and maybe from my MacBook too.

But it's not easy to work out what to do.

Anyway - did 2nd TESCOS shift - it's not pleasant but the people are nice and the work is stress free. Just worry about my hands and it is physically quite tough. 

The second is probably a good thing, as the activity will be a positive.

I want to ask about my hands and whether the pain is making it worse in the long run.

Ann is kind of irritating about this. She can be if challenged on anything really. Must tread carefully on this and other things. She's not as bad as Andrew - who is bigoted really, but she is not open minded either. Tends to take sides in a way I dislike.

Back later.

Back to square one...

 So - here we are back where we started. Older, poorer, sicker and wiser? 

Trying to figure out what to do next and indeed why to do it. 

I wish I had a reason to want to be here. But so far zilch. I just don't like living here and never have. It has no appeal at all. 

 

As the saying goes, I'm not a dropout I was never in.

 

Anyway, I'll post from time to time and see how this goes.